push the sky away
by PeppermintP4tty
Summary: How do Paige and Emily cope with a break up? (Hint: Not very well.) This is only two chapters, it's all I could cope with. Rating T: but warning regarding language
1. Chapter 1

"_They've found another body."_

Emily's blood runs cold at her mother's words. Sitting on the window seat, she pitches forward, grasping into her arms,

"Not Paige. Not again. Not Paige. Please not Paige."

When it turns out to be Cece's body Emily only feels relief, she has no more room left to grieve for someone she didn't really know. She's lost too much already. And she can't get it out of her head that Paige is in danger; that the people she loves, Ali, Maya, even Toby have all been lost on this game that she doesn't know how to play, or even what the rules are. And she can't lose Paige forever. She can't. So she makes a decision.

Emily spends time making herself mad at Paige - sometimes Paige makes stupid decisions that make it easier. And she's made a number regarding Shana. She spends time thinking through all the stupid things she did, all the things she never told her, the times she was only half-honest, until Emily can almost believe that she's angry with her. Can almost convince herself that it's the right thing to do. That Paige isn't trustworthy.

"I think we should break up."

And it's the hardest thing she's ever had to say. If Emily were honest with herself, if she could be honest with herself, she'd admit that it's harder to do than she thought. That in some ways it's harder than losing Ali, or Maya, or Toby.

Paige can't speak. Can't breath. Looks like she's gasping for air. Her legs seem to give way beneath her and she collapses onto her bed.

"Em."

Emily turns away. She can't look at her. Can't afford to see what's in Paige's eyes, because Paige's eyes are never anything other than honest, especially when she looks at Emily.

"I can't trust you."

"What?"

Paige almost whispers her response.

And Emily keeps her eyes averted from Paige's face. She balls her hands into fists so that the nails on her fingers are digging into her palms, to remind her of what she has to really lose. Of how much more it would hurt if anything happened to Paige. She shifts her eyes and hardens her voice. Swallowing to keep back the tears, she needs to get this out, quickly and then she can leave.

"I can't trust you and I need to be able to trust you. With everything that's going on with Spencer and the girls and Mona and whoever the hell else is chasing our tails, I need to be able to trust you."

Paige almost can't speak through the tears,

"You _can_ trust me. I'd do anything for you."

"Paige, you lied to me. First about who Shana was to you, _is_ to you, then about Caleb, about Ali, about the night I was drugged. Hell, you even tried to _drown _me."

And although Emily is trying to make this the best performance she can, she never wanted to go so far. She almost buckles when she sees Paige's face change, but she stays strong, because she can't let it go now. And that was the knock-out blow. She doesn't even look back as she picks up her bag and walks out of the room. All she can hear is Paige's sobbing and her calling her name.

Emily thought it would get easier. She'd thought it was the right thing to do. But she can barely move through the next few days or weeks or months. She becomes numb, her heart a broken, neglected thing. At night, she writes to Paige in a small blue notebook. She tells her the real reasons why. She tells her how she remembers her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her kisses. How her tongue felt in her mouth, how she tasted. How she felt when Paige came, when Paige made her come. How much she loves her hands and her fingers, her arms. How, every night, she remembers Paige's touch on the skin of her stomach. How she still sees the little brown mole on Paige's left breast when she closes her eyes at night; how when she touches herself whispering Paige's name she wishes the hand inside her, stroking her was Paige. How she remembers Paige's tongue exploring her body. How Paige would laugh when they were fucking and how she would smile into their kisses. How her hands felt in her hair. And she tells her how she cries herself to sleep most nights, curled around Paige's red hoodie that she left one night a couple of months before they broke up.

She writes about how she watches her at school, who she speaks to at lunchtimes, how she acts in classes. And fearfully she writes about how she can see Paige slipping away, becoming smaller. Losing herself, losing the Paige that Emily knows, and will always know. How she sees her becoming shrunken, hardened, like she was when Ali was around and torturing her. She sees how she has a guarded look. She sees how Spencer tries to talk to her and how Paige so aggressively turns her back on her. She watches as Paige develops a new her. Someone who is cold and predatory. She hangs out more with Shana and a new gang. She's seen around with different girls, a different girl most weeks she hears. Paige has game now and a demeanour that's tough, that makes girls think they can change her, get close to her, soften her.

But Emily knows what softens Paige. Knows what makes her smile and laugh. Emily knows where to touch and how to touch her. Emily knows how to make Paige come undone underneath her. Emily knows the only thing that can save Paige now is her but she also knows that the thing that can hurt her most is her. She still sees glimpses of _her_ Paige when they unwillingly catch eyes in school, in the corridor, or at the end of a class. She can still see the momentary softness when she catches Paige's unguarded gaze. And then she closes up again, turns away, mutters a curse, or a cutting word, before Emily can mouth _I'm sorry._ Or,_ I still love you._

And Emily hates herself. She's responsible. She feels like she's living in a bubble where everything is going on around her but she can't feel. Can't care. Spencer tries. She calls round to Emily's house one evening after school. She can't bear this. Can't bear to think that –A has taken away one more thing from Emily, one more good thing from them all.

She finds Emily sitting on her window seat, pressed into the corner, watching, wary as if she's trying to hide herself from ghosts.

"Emily? Hi."

Emily looks up. She looks terrible. Eyes wild. She sees it's Spencer and she tries to smile.

"Spence."

"Em. You ok?"

She steps to the window seat and tentatively sits, not too close to Emily. She's like a wounded animal lately, can't bear being touched or looked at for too long.

Emily laughs, a harsh bark.

"Sure. What could I possibly have to not be ok about?" In her head she's thinking, _what could I possibly have?_

"Emily." Spencer sighs her name. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. Why should anything be going on, Spencer? We can't all check into Radley when it gets too much. Some of us have to soldier on in the real world, just taking it each day at a time." She thinks, _one breath at a time_.

And Spencer feels the barb, but she's not here for herself, she's here for Emily. And Paige. And she thinks again about how Emily is like an animal, reacting on instinct, reacting with a growl first before someone gets close enough to hurt her. Again.

"What happened with Paige? What did she do? I thought you two were long haul."

And Emily barks that laugh again, cruel, guarded eyes on Spencer, says nothing.

"Paige won't speak to me either."

"I know."

"Just said you broke up with her."

"I did."

And Emily turns away, trying to turn away from herself, from what she's done. Just wants Spencer gone.

"Why?"

Emily shrugs. Leans her head on the window pane, eyes far away down the road and Spencer has never been more worried about her.

"What did she do?"

"Nothing, Spence. Leave it. Nothing."

"Did she cheat?"

Emily laughs again.

"Ok, no. So, what? She's part of the –A team?"

"That's not the worst thing that can happen, Spence."

Spencer shrinks at that, but she swallows and carries on.

"Then, what is?"

"Don't you get it? Oh, just leave it."

"No. What? What don't I get?"

"That I can't lose her."

"But you've just lost her."

Spencer's puzzled, gives a confused look,

"No, Spence. I can still see her every day. I can still make sure she's ok. I can still watch over her this way."

"Oh."

Spencer gets it. It's what Emily's lost and what she's terrified of losing again.

"I _do_ get it. But. This is no way to live, Em. Don't you think this is what –A always wanted. To stop us from living. To make us terrified of our own shadows. To make us too scared to function. You can't let her _win_."

"But I can't _lose again_."

"But it's not just you this time, Em. Don't you think it's Paige's decision too? Look at what _she's_ lost."

Because Spencer knows too what it would be like to lose Emily as a friend. She felt it herself for a while and she can see what it's doing to Paige.

"I can't."

"I don't think it's just your decision to make. Don't you think Paige would want to have a say?"

"I know what she'd say."

Spencer smiles sadly,

"Yeah. I don't think there's any doubt about that. But, Em, I think if you carry on like this, –A has won. Is winning. You're being left alone now, don't you think there's something in that? That you're already in so much pain that even –A can't touch you anymore."

Because it was true, since she and Paige have broken up, -A has moved on to other targets, doesn't even acknowledge Emily is there. She feels like Aria.

Once Spencer's left, Emily can't think, can't process. But somewhere in her head she can feel that Spencer may be right. She knows for sure _she_ can't function like this for much longer. Emily hasn't been able to settle to anything for a while now. She's given up swimming, she can't stand to see Paige, to catch her eye in the changing rooms. She can't stand to have to turn around when they're changing for the wrong reasons rather than like before, when they'd grin and have to tear their eyes away from one another, flushing red with desire. She can't bear to see her in such an intimate place and a place that was so much _theirs_. She gives up on so much, just about maintaining a good grade average to ensure she can get out, get the hell away from Rosewood from this no life. But she doesn't know what to do.


	2. Chapter 2 - straight to you

**A/N: Thanks for follows and lovely reviews. I did wonder about making it a longer story, but to be honest, I couldn't cope with them being apart. I wrote it because I have this awful feeling of dread that they're going to break Emily and Paige up and I needed to 'write it out'. **

**I hope you enjoy. It's not great, but it's something.**

It was the night that Paige woke up passed out in the toilets of the club that things changed. She remembers most of the night, she remembers going out with Shana. She remembers there was a girl – there's always a girl, or if there isn't a girl, there's always Shana. She vaguely remembers the girl passing her something – a pill which she took and then it's all kind of hazy from there. Until she woke up with her head in between the toilet pan and the wall. She manages to get herself up and out of the toilet stall, head spinning, stomach lurching so violently she has to lean her hands on her knees to steady herself. From the sounds outside, the club night's still going on but it's later than she'd thought. She hauls herself to the mirror and gives her reflection a wry look, being honest, she's not going to pull tonight, not even Shana would be interested.

She tries to make herself look a little respectable to go back out into the club. Her head slumps forwards. She's tired, she's always tired now. She's used to the tension in her body, but usually it's a strong, controlled tension, a control that's built up from her training, her swimming. She's not training much at the moment. She's only just keeping it together to get to swim meets, extra training is going out the window and her times are suffering for it. At the moment she's far enough ahead she can get by, can still scrape herself together to win the races she really has to. But it's taking it out of her. It's becoming harder. Almost too hard.

Paige leans her head on the mirror in front of her, takes a deep breath preparing herself to go back out when the door to her left opens. There's a girl. Not the one she was with before, at least, she doesn't _think_ it's the one she was with before. She's not sure. It doesn't really matter. A girl is a girl if it isn't Emily. She smiles, catching the girl's eye in the mirror, the girl smiles back at her. Paige stands up straighter, but has to lean against the sink to steady herself as the sudden movement sends her head into a spin.

"Hi."

The girl looks at Paige, a little confusedly,

"Oh. Um, hi."

Paige moves towards the girl, trying to capture the swerve she had earlier in the evening,

"How are you?"

"Um, fine? You?"

"Oh, I'm fine. I'm better than fine. I'm good."

She's trying what's worked before,

"Yeah?" The girl gives her an appraising look – isn't too impressed, "You don't look too good."

As Paige tries to laugh, she loses her balance and has to hang on to the sink top to catch herself. The girl looks at her, rolls her eyes and heads into the stall.

And Paige can't stand it. _What the fuck am I doing?_

All she wants is to get away from here. From this dirty toilet, from this dingy club, from the fears that haunt her in Rosewood. To somewhere where she can breath again. She doesn't want to be this girl. She wants to be the girl she was when she was with Emily. Not this one. Not any more. She can't do it anymore. She can't even face her mom anymore, not like this. She deserves better. Hell, Paige herself deserves better.

She pushes herself off the sink and leans her head on the stall door the girl's gone into, she whispers,

"I'm sorry."

And she leaves.

It takes a few days before she can get herself together and decide on a plan. She's not sure how to get back up from where she's got down to. And she doesn't have people she can ask. She's avoiding Shana, ignoring her calls, tells her mom to say she's not in when she comes round. It's a start.

At school, she catches Emily watching her more, and when they catch eyes, her expression is less wounded, less guarded than before. She seems to be spending less time on her own and more with the girls again, especially with Spencer. And actually the most disturbing thing of the last few days is Spencer. After Paige blanked her a few times when she and Emily had just split up, Spencer mostly gave up with her. Now Paige is sure she's smiling at her more. Though Paige thinks maybe she's hallucinating, just her system reacting from the drugs and alcohol she's been taking.

Eventually, she does the first thing she _knows_ she can do, she starts with the basics, by taking her training more seriously. If she's going to get out of Rosewood, if she's going to give herself a chance then she needs that damn swimming scholarship. She spends more time in the gym at school, snatching a session in her free periods or lunch-times. Once or twice, she thinks she catches Emily watching her through the window, but when she looks again there's no one there.

As the weather gets warmer and the mornings brighter, she decides to start running again - an early morning run in the woods before school. She can see her mom's face the first morning she returns, her face is a mixture of relief and anxiety. She gives Paige an extra squeeze on her arm and a kiss on her cheek as she makes her way upstairs to shower and makes her breakfast ready for her when she comes down.

She's been back running a couple of weeks now, running taking precedence over her gym sessions. She prefers the open air, it clears her head more, gives her back her focus and clarity as she has to concentrate to avoid the debris on the floor of the woods. It's in one of these intense moments of concentration that she runs into another runner's path and has to swerve to avoid them at the last moment. She stops to check they're ok, tugging out her ear buds, and

"Sorry –"

"Emily."

Of course it's Emily. Of course.

"Oh. H-hi. Sorry. I didn't know you'd be here. I'm earlier this morning than usual. I just wanted to keep training, you know, after swimming or, not swimming, you know.."

Emily stutters to a halt. They both look away. Both are panting from their run, Emily catches sight of the damp tendrils of hair at the nape of Paige's neck, the slight flush on her cheek, the sweat on her throat and at her clavicle and she swallows. Paige protectively folds one arm over her stomach, the other goes to the back of her neck. She looks beyond Emily, over her shoulder.

"Em. It's ok." She shrugs, "I get it. Why d'you think _I'm_ here?"

Emily gives an embarrassed laugh,

"Yeah. Sorry. I guess, I thought you weren't, you know, I heard, uh, oh never mind, it doesn't matter."

Paige's posture stiffens, her voice hardens,

"What did you hear?"

Emily sighs, she didn't want to get into this. She's not ready. She's not prepared for seeing Paige, even seeing Paige in school or in class sends her off balance. And she really, really didn't want to get into what Paige was and wasn't doing.

"Nothing, Paige."

Her voice is defeated. And Paige is astute enough to notice. She's not ready for this either. So she swallows it, lets it go. She makes a dismissive gesture, rubs the back of her neck and smiles. For the first time in months Paige genuinely smiles, at Emily.

"Sorry. It doesn't matter. I'm sure you've heard some stuff. I – I'm not doing that anymore."

Emily quirks an eyebrow, smiles at Paige in return, says softly,

"Good."

They stand for a moment. Paige's heart is beating so hard, she's sure Emily can hear it. Emily's just wishing her breathing would calm down. Emily makes a half-gesture, reaches with her hand to touch Paige's arm, but stops just short. Not ready yet. But she _misses_ her.

"Better get back to it. Don't want to be late home."

Paige scuffs her trainers on the forest floor. But she knows it's not a dismissal. She feels that this is a breakthrough. So she raises her eyes to Emily's and smiles,

"Yeah. My mom'll have breakfast ready for me."

"Oh. How _is_ she?"

"Good. Yeah. Ok. Better now." Paige smiles, "She misses you."

"I miss her too."

They stand a beat longer, just looking, taking one another in and it's not just Paige who's reminded of the night by Paige's pool when Emily kissed her. They both swallow until Paige breaks eye contact and turns away, she makes a half gesture to the path she's going down,

"Well, we should, um,"

"Yeah. Paige?"

"Mmhmm?"

"I'll see you at school?"

Paige smiles,

"Sure."

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

After a few weeks of 'accidentally' meeting up, it becomes more embarrassing _not_ to admit they're meeting up to run together than it is to actually arrange a time. The run in the morning's before school is a quick one, little is said, what is is mainly about running techniques, times, even shoes. The weekend runs are becoming their times to reconnect and talk. They develop a routine where they run, then pop to the Brew for coffee and muffins before lunch. They still don't really hang out at school, although the looks that pass between them are far more friendly now.

Emily's writing differently in her blue notebook. She still writes to Paige, but the tone is different. She writes about how good Paige is looking now, how much she's enjoying their runs, their coffee meets. She writes about how she still misses her, she's still scared for her, but she's glad she's in her life again. She tells her how she still watches her at school. Tells her how much she wants to reach out to Paige and touch her face, brush the hair away from the corner of her mouth. How she wants to know what Paige was laughing about at lunch, but how good it is to hear her laugh again. But most of all she talks about how she just wants to be holding her, touching her.

They're standing in the woods, catching their breath, sharing a bottle of water. The sun is rising higher, gently breaking through the trees and Emily delights in seeing how the rays catch on the auburn in Paige's hair. Paige has been trying to persuade Emily back onto the swim-team, teasing how she needs her to push her so that Paige's times will improve and she can get a decent scholarship. Emily's laughing, but she's slightly outside the conversation. Her attention caught on the fall of Paige's necklace lying over her collarbone. She doesn't mean to reach out and adjust it, but before she's aware, Paige's voice has caught in her throat and she falls silent as she watches Emily's hand lift the necklace and straighten it onto her chest.

And neither of them is sure who makes the first step, even when they both replay it back in the safety and comfort of their own rooms later that day, but suddenly, Paige is pressed against a tree and Emily has one hand in her hair and one in the small of her back desperately tugging her forward into her. Her tongue is in Paige's mouth and she sighs as she remembers her taste, the little gasps she makes, the feel of her hands as she runs them up Emily 's sides, until she gently brings them round to run her palms over Emily's breasts and Emily moans into Paige's mouth. Emily brings the hand from the small of Paige's back to the bottom of her shirt and she slides her hand underneath feeling the sweat, damp on her skin. Paige moans and bites down on Emily's lip, pulling her closer until they're flush against one another, Paige's hands roaming over Emily's arms, shoulders, until they rest on her waist. Paige gently lifts the edges of Emily's shirt until she can move her thumbs over Emily's hips. Their kissing is getting more sloppy, less controlled, Paige moves until her thigh is pressing in between Emily's and Emily groans again. Before things can get to where it'll become impossible to stop, they pull away. Emily grips onto the tree for support, they're both gasping for breath. Eventually Paige laughs, the sound Emily's missed so much her breath gets caught in her ribcage. Paige brings a hand to Emily's cheek and turns her to kiss her gently before pulling back again.

"Paige, I am so, _so_ sorry."

Paige shakes her head,

"It's ok."

"No. I wasted so much time for us. I'm sorry I thought I was doing the right thing and protecting you."

"It's ok. I know I did some things wrong."

"No, Paige. It was never about that. This was never about _punishing_ you. I was trying to protect you." She notices Paige about to question her, "From –A. When Cece's body was found I thought, for a moment, it was you and I _couldn't_ bear it."

"So you dumped me to _protect_ me?" Emily nods, "So what changed your mind?"

Emily chuckles a little and shrugs,

"Spencer, I guess."

"Ha. Ok. How?"

"Told me to think about what _you _wanted. That you should have a choice in this too. And that I wasn't _living_ anyway, so what was the point of not being with you."

Paige slowly nods her head, wry smile on her face,

"Ok. Go Spencer."

Emily laughs,

"And you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. I couldn't bear to see what was happening to you."

Paige looks away, embarrassed,

"I'm so sorry, Em. I went crazy, I know."

"It's ok. I was barely sane, thought they'd have to book _me_ into Radley at one point."

They both sigh and Emily slides her arms around Paige pulling her close. They stand for a moment just holding one another, unable to quite believe that they're here together again, until Emily shivers a little as the sweat cools on her skin. They break apart.

"So?"

"What?"

"What does this mean, Em?"

"What do you want it to mean?"

"What do _you _think?"

Emily laughs again and takes Paige's hand pulling her into her body gently, she runs her free hand over Paige's arm.

"Paige McCullers. Would you go out with me?"

"Like on a _date_?"

"Yeah. Like on a date."

"I would _love to_."


End file.
